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No more pink wigs in the workplace

30 Oct

Dear Seattle Institution in Queen Anne,

Meet your new Glitter Fairy.

I joined the army of straight-postured, Bordeaux/caviar- speaking, freshly pressed power suits of the restaurant world.  My pink wig will be retired from my work drawer to my after-work drawer in my dresser.  I will wear all black, half in mourning, and half by requirement.  My dansko slut shoes with the studs and cut-outs are under the radar so I will rock those as long as possible.  I will wear glittery Auntie Mame jewelry under my smart jacket, and pink tattoos on my sleeve.  I will hide Lisa Frank stickers and naked lady art on the inside of my tiny wine book.  I will attack my water bottle with princess decals.  Soon, I will be able to write about about closeted bedazzling.

During my third round of interviews, the service director pressed me with a series of questions with a stone-hard face to make sure I had personality.  Thank goodness!  They haven’t seen through me! I almost laughed out loud, though.  People have accused me of farting powdered sugar, being too peppy,  and making crazy faces every other second, but never has a lack of personality been a question.  Sir, how cute it is that your personality radar is color blind!!!  However, I had successfully toned down my silliness, and appeared to be a professional, but now that they have hired me, they soon will find out that I am made of pink, and have an insatiable appetite for all things that glitter.  I read somewhere that kimonos were the mandatory uniform.  I would die to be a geisha waitress.  Maybe I can bring about the ressurection of the kimonos?  Aha!  I feel a new calling twinkling in my bones.

There is no pink.  But family meal is made of magic.  There are no candelabras, but I will pretend that the glittering lights around the 360 degree view of Lake Union are the fairies of Neverland.  There is a lot of gray and a sea of black and starched white shirts, but every time I say ‘enjoy your meal’ I will really mean, ‘I believe in mermaids and unicorns.’ A girl has go to have multiple languages under her belt, and master the ability to spin gray into magic dust.

Bon appetit, and enjoy your meal.

86 ClusterF*&%

15 Sep

Image

This is the sign we should have above our server station at work.  There’s a thousand people and everybody’s aiming for the bus tub.  It takes five hours to find the right set-up for a decaf coffee, and by the time you’ve found a way to exit, there’s three more major knots in your back and/or a broken bone. 

There’s renovations going on all over our building- murals being painted, air conditioning being installed, an expanded kitchen, elevators shafts to nowhere.  So when the server station gets a revamp, I’ll be preparedwith a design proposal.

It’ll be huge, approximately the size of Beyonce’s master bathroom.  The main entrance will have the feel of a party bus: dance floor, stripper pole, Moet bottles everywhere,and rainbow cupcakes being served left and right.  It’ll also be equipped with go-go dancers, and there is absolutely no compromise on that.  The second, and least important, area will have everything we need to be waiters, when we are ready to face our tables again.  Martha Stewart will come up with an efficient and functional design…and then we’ll glitter bomb it because she’s way too beige for us.  We’ll even have a butler to prepare our coffee and tea set-ups (also no compromise).  The next phase will be all about relaxation.  We’ll have a hot-tub complete with talking unicorns and red wine, and maybe some puppies on the lawn for good measure. 

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This area will also feature a massage table overlooking the bay.  We’ll have a masseur who looks just like Johnny Depp pre-Pirates.  He’ll be shirtless, of course.

Our final area will be Candyland.  Chocolate, cupcakes, chocolate milk, candy neclaces, gummy peaches, cola bottles, and hot tamales.  It will be replenished hourly.

When we are ready to leave our server station, we will have a perfect escape method.  No more shrill screams of, “CORNER!  Coming DOWN!!!! HOT FOOD COMING OUT!!!”  Nope.  I’ve found the perfect way to eliminate this problem. The girls will come down a princess castle slide Image and the boys will get a firefighter pole.  If you’re worried about functionality, our butler will follow us with a tray, or better yet, we’ll all have personal owls/garden fairies to fly things around  for us.  When we’re out and about on the floor, we can use these Image little cuties to get us from room to room.  Or we can just hire Mr. Lee to take us around on his little red vespa.  Or maybe Ms. Pearl knows a few extra unicorns for hire.

This is why I can’t work in an office

29 Jul

I don’t have an office-ready wardrobe…but I’m sure when the suits and techies come in for a business lunch, they certainly appreciate a little color in their day from the bearer of their lattes and chardonnay.  Or they think I’m lame.  Or they’re jealous because they can’t pull off pink wigs and see-through shirts in their profession.