Archive | September, 2012

Better than perez

15 Sep

Facebookstalking.  Courtesy of Shimmer Tits and her Funny BunnyImageebo

86 ClusterF*&%

15 Sep

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This is the sign we should have above our server station at work.  There’s a thousand people and everybody’s aiming for the bus tub.  It takes five hours to find the right set-up for a decaf coffee, and by the time you’ve found a way to exit, there’s three more major knots in your back and/or a broken bone. 

There’s renovations going on all over our building- murals being painted, air conditioning being installed, an expanded kitchen, elevators shafts to nowhere.  So when the server station gets a revamp, I’ll be preparedwith a design proposal.

It’ll be huge, approximately the size of Beyonce’s master bathroom.  The main entrance will have the feel of a party bus: dance floor, stripper pole, Moet bottles everywhere,and rainbow cupcakes being served left and right.  It’ll also be equipped with go-go dancers, and there is absolutely no compromise on that.  The second, and least important, area will have everything we need to be waiters, when we are ready to face our tables again.  Martha Stewart will come up with an efficient and functional design…and then we’ll glitter bomb it because she’s way too beige for us.  We’ll even have a butler to prepare our coffee and tea set-ups (also no compromise).  The next phase will be all about relaxation.  We’ll have a hot-tub complete with talking unicorns and red wine, and maybe some puppies on the lawn for good measure. 

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This area will also feature a massage table overlooking the bay.  We’ll have a masseur who looks just like Johnny Depp pre-Pirates.  He’ll be shirtless, of course.

Our final area will be Candyland.  Chocolate, cupcakes, chocolate milk, candy neclaces, gummy peaches, cola bottles, and hot tamales.  It will be replenished hourly.

When we are ready to leave our server station, we will have a perfect escape method.  No more shrill screams of, “CORNER!  Coming DOWN!!!! HOT FOOD COMING OUT!!!”  Nope.  I’ve found the perfect way to eliminate this problem. The girls will come down a princess castle slide Image and the boys will get a firefighter pole.  If you’re worried about functionality, our butler will follow us with a tray, or better yet, we’ll all have personal owls/garden fairies to fly things around  for us.  When we’re out and about on the floor, we can use these Image little cuties to get us from room to room.  Or we can just hire Mr. Lee to take us around on his little red vespa.  Or maybe Ms. Pearl knows a few extra unicorns for hire.